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The High-Conflict Couple: A Dialectical Behavior Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy, and Validation-Alan E. Fruzzetti

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You hear and read a lot about ways to improve your relationship. But if you've tried these without much success, you're not alone. Many highly reactive couples—pairs that are quick to argue, anger, and blame—need more than just the run-of-the-mill relationship advice to solve their problems in love. When destructive emotions are at the heart of problems in your relationship, no amount of effective communication or intimacy building will fix what ails it. If you're part of a "high-conflict" couple, you need to get control of your emotions first, to stop making things worse, and only then work on building a better relationship.The High-Conflict Couple adapts the powerful techniques of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) into skills you can use to tame out-of-control emotions that flare up in your relationship. Using mindfulness and distress tolerance techniques, you'll learn how to deescalate angry situations before they have a chance to explode into destructive fights. Other approaches will help you disclose your fears, longings, and other vulnerabilities to your partner and validate his or her experiences in return. You'll discover ways to manage problems with negotiation, not conflict, and to find true acceptance and closeness with the person you love the most.This book has been awarded The Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies Self-Help Seal of Merit — an award bestowed on outstanding self-help books that are consistent with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) principles and that incorporate scientifically tested strategies for overcoming mental health difficulties. Used alone or in conjunction with therapy, our books offer powerful tools readers can use to jump-start changes in their lives.

Book The High-Conflict Couple: A Dialectical Behavior Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy, and Validation Review :



As a licensed marriage and family therapist who has been DBT trained since 2004 and led weekly DBT groups for 8 years, I would say this is one of the best self-help books on marital problems. Although Marsha Linehan originally developed DBT for seriously suicidal clients, DBT skills can benefit everyone. If you think your spouse has symptoms of borderline personality disorder (BPD), you may have read books that insinuate that your spouse will always make your life miserable and that you should, to preserve your own sanity, just get out of the relationship. This is in many cases not true. Contrary to popular opinion, borderline personality disorder is treatable. It is usually a result of someone who is naturally emotional by nature being subjected to prolonged abuse in childhood. I think of it as a severe form of post traumatic stress disorder.While it is normal to want to be close and attached to one's spouse, the person who has been abused in the past is conflicted in both wanting and fearing closeness. This is the source of the alternating clingy and angry behaviors. A person who really puts DBT into practice can make remarkable progress. For those of you married to people with BPD, recognize that, while they will always be somewhat emotional and dramatic, this can make life with them quite interesting. The point I want to stress is that DBT can help them greatly decrease their more distressing behaviors.There is a lot of misinformation out there about BPD, and even some therapists who should know better see it as a stigma. The good thing about this book is that it never mentions borderline personality disorder except in the bibliography. So you can use it to work with your BPD spouse without labeling him or her as the "sick one."
I gained some useful insights from this book and DBT therapy ... but there is homework that needs to be done. Both partners must want to do the work and own their own feelings and behaviors. Without that, it won't work. Didn't wind up helping my marriage which has ended, but it has helped other situations and relationships in my life. DBT seemed to help a couple that was on the verge of divorce in our couples workshop, and that was lovely to see. Unfortunately, my former husband did not want to do the exercises and just showed up with the attitude that he didn't need to do anything because he has no problems. I'm not sure if actually practicing DBT could have saved us, but having the attitude from either partner or both that we had, I doubt marriage therapy will help. You have to want to make it work. If you do, this may be a really good path to try. Do it while you still are committed to your marriage even if you're upset or angry as hell. Don't wait so long that you're burned out and don't care. Best of luck.

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